Panda's Are a Bunch of Cunts

Aren't Panda's a bunch of cunts.  I'm done with Panda's and I'll tell you why.  The Panda doesn't have a natural predator on this planet and they're dieing out because they're fuckin dicks. Fuck em!  Let em die out!  The Panda's don't fuck each other, therefore they don't have babies, therefore we got no fuckin Pandas.  They're dead weight, let's lose the Pandas!  We've tried! We have fuckin tried!!! We the human race have put Panda's in cages together to try and help them fuck. We go, "there's a Panda,...go fuck the Panda!" And they just look at each other. You put me in a cage with anything, ANYTHING and after a week I'll fuck it.  Do you think Panda's are Chinese and are taking the one child policy to seriously? - Jim Jieffries

Jim Jeffries Breaks Down Heaven and Hell

I know this is a Christian Country and I stand up for your right to be religious.  But please know that you're wrong.  Please know you're living in a fantasy world and after you die nothing happens so stop being a fuckin' chjild.  The Bible calls Heaven eternal bliss.  I don’t care how blissful it is, it’s eternal, you’ll get used to it, and then you’ll be fuckin' bored.  And what’s hell meant to be like?  Fire and brimstone and eternal agony?  That’s what’s written in the Bible, that’s God’s book.  As far as I know the Devil hasn’t brought out a book.  We don’t know his side of the argument.  If you ask me the Devil and God are having an argument, the Devil’s being a bigger fuckin' man cause God’s just writing shit about him and the Devil’s going, "I’m not even gonna fuckin' comment son if you talk about me like that."

Let’s think about this rationally, which isn’t a good point for the Christians, rational thought.  God runs the entire universe except for one place which is run by the Devil.  And the devil is his biggest enemy, they don’t get along whatsoever.  Now if you act bad you go to hell right?  Now you’ve lied, you’ve cheated, you’ve stole, you’ve been a prick your entire life.  Why would the Devil punish you?  Your one of his boys, he’s gonna dig you!!!

Zach Galifianakis' Non Profit Combinations

I want to combine the NAACP with Mother's Against Drunk Driving.  It's called Mother's Against the Advancement of Colored People.