Bitch Is That Plum and Red?

“Ladies, I’m telling you: “You gotta be the shit to you!” Stop waiting on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. Bitch, if you the shit, then you the motherfucking shit. We tired of y’all getting with us and blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You done got with a nigga and now you talking about: “You fucked up my self-esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self-esteem. It’s the esteem of your motherfucking self, bitch. How the fuck can I mess up how you feel about you, simple bitch. I’m just saying ladies, stop tripping on shit that don’t even motherfucking matter.  Never in the history of niggadom has a nigga been getting ready to have sex with a woman and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn’t match. Not never. Not never! Never has a nigga been putting on a condom and said: “Bitch, is that plum and red? I can’t even do it, bitch. I’m outta here."

Judging and Labeling People On Sesame Street

"Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, "Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street."

Mitch Hedberg's Donut Conundrum

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut.  I don't need a receipt for the donut, I give you money and you give me the donut, end of transaction.  We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.  I can't imagine a scenario that would have to prove that I bought a donut...don't even act like I didn't get that donut."