At Madtv we do this sketch called Babewatch. My call time is 4 A.M, we're shooting it on location in Malibu, way out in Malibu,so they get us a little motel to stay at while we're out there. I get there, they put 3 hours of pig prosthetics on me. Pig snout, 6 teets that are each going to have a bikini top. ears, everything, I look like a disgusting pig. I'm like the David Hasselhoff, I'm the lifeguard. The makeup was amazing because I looked like a pig. We go to eat breakfast and while I'm eating I catch a glimpse of a pig eating in the window. Literally I'm a pig easting. I'm like this is not why I signed up for show business,
So I got really upset and called my coke dealer. I told him where I was and asked where could meet him. Right on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu there's a restaurant with a parking lot, he asked I could meet him there. I go , "Without question, I need the coke, otherwise I'm going to drown myself in the Pacific ocean."
Now I'm the star of this sketch, I'm the lead. It's the assistant directors job to make sure they wrangle the cast but it takes so long to light stuff, during the lighting I snuck to my car in the full pig outfit, teets, everything, I get in the car and just speed away. I look like a pig, if you were driving next to me you would say, "that's a pig driving a car."
So I do like 90 to this restaurant. Now I'm waiting for this dealer, who's this rastafarian guy. I'm sitting there all antsy, he finally shows up, it was like seeing Jesus Christ. I didn't have any cash on me but being the nice drug dealer that he was he put it on my account. I'm on a T.V show, he knows I'm good for it. I bought an 8ball from him.
I go back to the car and I'm in the parking lot, I look around, and I actually had straws in my backseat that were cut. I took a straw, I try to do the coke, but I can't get the straw through the pig snout. So now I'm digging a hole through this expensive prosthetic job. I dig a hole through the pig snout and I do a blast. I get a little high and I'm feeling better. I decide that I'm gonna sit in this restaurant and order a whole meal, a water and a coffee, in full pig outfit. I get a little antsy, I go back to my car and do another blast of coke. I say to myself now I gotta go back to the set, I've been gone an hour. I go up the pacific coast highway, I hit a little traffic and a light, I was about 20 minutes up the highway. I hit a light and I decide I need another hit. I do like a key hit, like they used to call it, where you put a little bit on the end of a key. I put a little on the key, pig snout and all, and there's a woman in a Lamborghini, like a hot chick and she looks over and she must have thought she was on an acid trip. That's a pig doing cocaine. I mean I just wanted to kill myself.
I get back to the set. I shove the coke in the bathing suit they gave me to wear. Everyone wants to kill me. I go back to my trailer and I'm just doing coke. It was one of those times where cocaine got me through the day. But every time I go to do a line I look up and I see a pig doing coke. In my head I'm going, "'I'm a pig and I'm a coke addict and it's not even like a symbol. It's like I;m really a pig, I've turned into a pig."
It was the most surreal day of my life. It ends, they rip the prosthetics off of me and we head back to the motel . Everyone hates my guts. I finally fall asleep at like 4 am and we had to wake up at 5 am. I must have slept for an hour but because I had so much badness in me, I shit all over the bed. It was like, I can only describe it like that scene in The Godfather when the guy has the horses head and theres blood all over it and hes like ahhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh!!!
It must have just fell out of me. I must have lost control. I wake up and its al over me its because I must have rolled around in it, like a pig would do. Exactly what a pig would do. I'm paranoid from the coke and I think it's blood. I get up and it's all over me and it's all over the bed and it stinks so I realize, "Ok I know what it is now". I was already late so I didn't have any time to clean up. I didn't know what to do so I just took that awful bedspread and just threw it over the bed.
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