Zach Galifianakis

"If you read my blog you know that I am a pilates freak.  I like to read the bible in public places, so people are watching me read it and I like to just murmur out to myself, 'Oh Bullshit!'"

When World's Collide

You have no idea the magnitude of this thing.  If she is allowed to infiltrate this world, then George Costanza, as you know him ceases to exist.  See, right now I have Relationship George but, there is also Independent George.  That's the George you know, the George you grew up with.  Movie George, Coffee Shop George, Liar George.  He's dying Jerry.  If Relationship George walks through this door, he will kill Independent George.  A George divided against itself, cannot stand!

Tumors

There's a guy, I don't know if you've heard of him, he's been in the news a lot lately, he's English, I don;t think we should hold that against him but, apparently this is his life's dream because he's going country to country, he has a senate hearing in the country coming up in a couple of weeks and this is what he wants to do.  He wants to make the warnings on the packs bigger.  He wants the whole front of the pack to be the warning, like the problem is we just haven't noticed yet.  Like he's going to get his way and then all of a sudden smokers around the world are gonna be going, "Oh yeah Bill, I've got some cigarettes, HOLY SHIT!!!  These things are bad for you?  Shit, I thought they were good for you, I thought they had vitamin C in them and stuff."  

You fuckin' dolt.  It doesn't matter how big the warnings are.  You could have cigarettes called warnings.  You could have cigarettes that come in a black pack with a skull and crossbones on the front, called tumors and smokers will being lining up around the block goin', "I can't wait my hands on these fuckin' tumors."

Somebody Get South Africa and The Iraq Some Goddam Maps

Ms. Teen South Carolina - "I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and I believe that our education like such as in a South Africa and the Iraq everywhere like such as and I believe that they should our education over here in the US should help the US or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future for our children."

Even On Life Support, Elin is Fuckable

She could be on life support, I'd fuck her.  What do you think of that Robin?  Put a pair of shoes on her.  We're talkin' love here.  Don't you want a man who would have sex with you on life support?  I wouldn't pull the plug.  I'd be like, "Elin, I'm home."  "Uhh your wife is in terrible shape, we've had her on life support." I'd be like, "That's ok.  I'm not going to stop fuckin' her cause she's on a feeding tube, in fact that's hot." 

I wouldn't pull the plug on Elin.  I would just let her lay there and I would enjoy my life with her.  I would take her to award shows.  "Honey, blink if I'm turning you on, something, a sign."  If I was married to Elin, I'd tattoo her face,  This guy Tiger Woods, he's a schlub.  He wouldn't have even gotten Elin if he wasn't a golfer.  He should worship her, but no, he;s busy with these other bimbos.  

If I was married to Elin, I told you, I would have sex with her on life support.  Every day nurses would have to come in and scrape Elin;s face clean.  "My God, what happened to Elin's face?  Overnight, she developed a white crust over her face?  You didn't have sex with your comatose wife did you?"  I'd be like, "Absolutely not."  

Artie's a Bed Shitting, Coke Snorting Pigman

At Madtv we do this sketch called Babewatch.  My call time is 4 A.M, we're shooting it on location in Malibu, way out in Malibu,so they get us a little motel to stay at while we're out there.  I get there, they put 3 hours of pig prosthetics on me.  Pig snout, 6 teets that are each going to have a bikini top. ears, everything,  I look like a disgusting pig.  I'm like the David Hasselhoff, I'm the lifeguard.  The makeup was amazing because I looked like a pig.  We go to eat breakfast and while I'm eating I catch a glimpse  of a pig eating in the window.   Literally I'm a pig easting.  I'm like this is not why I signed up for show business, 

So I got really upset and called my coke dealer.  I told him where I was and asked where could meet him.   Right on the Pacific Coast Highway in Malibu there's a restaurant with a parking lot, he asked I could meet him there.  I go , "Without question, I need the coke, otherwise I'm going to drown myself in the Pacific ocean."

Now I'm the star of this sketch, I'm the lead.  It's the assistant directors job to make sure they wrangle the cast but it takes so long to light stuff, during the lighting I snuck to my car in the full pig outfit, teets, everything, I get in the car and just speed away.  I look like a pig, if you were driving next to me you would say, "that's a pig driving a car."

So I do like 90 to this restaurant.  Now I'm waiting for this dealer, who's this rastafarian guy.  I'm sitting there all antsy, he finally shows up, it was like seeing Jesus Christ.  I didn't have any cash on me but being the nice drug dealer that he was he put it on my account.  I'm on a T.V show, he knows I'm good for it.  I bought an 8ball from him. 

I go back to the car and I'm in the parking lot, I look around, and I actually had straws in my backseat that were cut.  I took a straw, I try to do the coke, but I can't get the straw through the pig snout.  So now I'm digging a hole through this expensive prosthetic job.  I dig a hole through the pig snout and I do a blast.  I get a little high and I'm feeling better.  I decide that I'm gonna sit in this restaurant and order a whole meal, a water and a coffee, in full pig outfit.  I get a little antsy,  I go back to my car and do another blast of coke.  I say to myself now I gotta go back to the set,  I've been gone an hour.  I go up the pacific coast highway,  I hit a little traffic and a light, I was about 20 minutes up the highway.  I hit a light and I decide I need another hit.  I do like a key hit, like they used to call it, where you put a little bit on the end of a key.  I put a little on the key, pig snout and all, and there's a woman in a Lamborghini, like a hot chick and she looks over and she must have thought she was on an acid trip.  That's a pig doing cocaine.  I mean I just wanted to kill myself.  

I get back to the set.  I shove the coke in the bathing suit they gave me to wear.  Everyone wants to kill me.  I go back to my trailer and I'm just doing coke.  It was one of those times where cocaine got me through the day.  But every time I go to do a line I look up and I see a pig doing coke.  In my head I'm going, "'I'm a pig and I'm a coke addict and it's not even like a symbol.  It's like I;m really a pig, I've turned into a pig."

It was the most surreal day of my life.  It ends, they rip the prosthetics off of me and we head back to the motel .  Everyone hates my guts.  I finally fall asleep at like 4 am and we had to wake up at 5 am.  I must have slept for an hour but because I had so much badness in me, I shit all over the bed.  It was like, I can only describe it like that scene in The Godfather when the guy has the horses head and theres blood all over it and hes like ahhh ahhhhhhh ahhhhhhhhh!!! 

It must have just fell out of me.  I must have lost control.  I wake up and its al over me its because I must have rolled around in it, like a pig would do.  Exactly what a pig would do.  I'm paranoid from the coke and I think it's blood.  I get up and it's all over me and it's all over the bed and it stinks so I realize,  "Ok I know what it is now".  I was already late so I didn't have any time to clean up.  I didn't know what to do so I just took that awful bedspread and just threw it over the bed.

What Ever Happened To crazy?

So, I'm gettin in the elevator at my hotel, and these two high school white boys get on with me and I just dove off.  Im sayin, 'Y'all aint killin' me.'  I am scared of young, white boys.  If you white and under 21, I am heading for the hills.  What is wrong with these white kids shootin' up the school? They don't even wait till' three oclock either, killin people in the mornin' that ain't right,  The Trenchcoat Mafia.  "No one would play with us, we had no friends in the Trenchcoat Mafia".   Shit,  I saw the yearbook picture, there was six of them.  I didn't have six friends in highs school...I don't got six friends now!  Shit, that's 3 on 3 with a half court.  What hell is wrong with these kids?  I got people tellin' me, "C'mon Chris, come up to the schools, talk to the kids."  I'm like, "Fuck the kids.  Do you got a vest?  Maybe I'll think about it. 

And everybody want to know what type of music they was listenin' to and what kind of movies they was watchin'.  Who gives a fuck what they was watchin'?  What ever happened to crazy?  What happened to crazy? What you can't be crazy no more?  Did we delete crazy from the dictionary?  Fuck the records, fuck the movies, crazy.

Howard Retires Teddy K

Caroline was bad on TV erra she doesn’t have the pizzazz us other Kennedy’s do.  In fact, she speaks like my sister Rosemary, who had to be lobotomized.  I’m watching it on TV, I said, “Caroline, all you have to do is go on there and say a few words and say you care about black people and she couldn’t even get those fuckin’ words out without fumfkeeing.”  She can’t adlib to save her life erra she’s no Jay Leno.  Erra I called up Pierre Salinger and said, “Pierre, scribble something down on a paper bag for my niece, she talks like she’s retahhded.  The broad seems like a dumb ass.”  I used to say to her, “You have a shot at being the senator of erra New York, erra a good job.”  It would have been great for us Kennedy’s.  I knew I was dieing of the brain cancer, I said, “Caroline, go on TV, drink a fuckin can of redbull, you lethargic bitch.”  Then she married that guy with the Jewish name, Schlossberg.  I told her, “Why not just call yourself Caroline Jew? What the hell are you doing.  Why not just go to dad’s grave and stab him in the heart.”   

Erra I tried to get her into politics erra she was a shoe-in.  It would have been easy if she could have spoke but she’s such a mush mouth.  She’d be the only Kennedy in politics who wouldn’t fuck chicks.  All us Kennedy’s always use our political advantage for chicks.  We always fuck.  We love to fuck.  We will fuck you no matter what.  I started fucking erra during Anne Margerates years and then I went all the way through to the Olson twins.  Actually, the last girl I fucked was Misha Barton.  You know, the first girl I tried to fuck was Rosa Parks.  That’s right, she was the talk of the day back then.  I said to Rosa Parks, “Get in the back of the bus, I want to fuck you.”  She said, “I won’t go!”  I thought she wasn’t in to me, I didn’t realize it was a movement.  I just wanted privacy while I fucked Rosa Parks.   That was one hot black chick, feisty, she knew how to speak to the white man, I liked her.  All she would do was blow me.  You know what turned me on, she had that processed hair.  I used to say, “Boy, I’d like to shoot my load on your processed hair.”  There’s nothing like shooting your load on processed hair.  Erra I said to Rosa, “If you’re with me, you’ll take more shots to the head than my brothers.”    

Righteous Futility

"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."

Facebook Bans The Authority For "Objectionable Material"

Somebody had to piss on my parade.  Evidently, some ass hole got his/her panties in a bunch and flagged this website for containing "objectionable" material on Facebook.  Facebook will no longer allow me to "share" this website.  

I've thought about this in two different ways.  Somebody' either fucking with me, which is entirely possible, or somebody actually clicked on this website, found something "objectionable" and felt it necessary to go out of their way to ensure that not I, or anyone else, could ever "share" the nonsense that goes on here.

You can't get to this website without typing in "humorauthority.blogspot.com"Go ahead and try and Google it.  I come up on page 87 if I'm lucky.   So, narc, you clicked on a comedy blog and found some blue content.  Boo whoo. In either case, whether your fucking with me or you were truly offended, I'd like to say fuck you and kindly ask you to stop being a cunt. 

Zach Galifianakis Looks Like Fat Jesus

"You know what I like to do when I'm making out with a woman? I like to whisper in her ear, 'Will you touch my vagina?' And she's like, 'What?!' And I'm like, 'That's what your supposed to say."

Norm Says Britney's Smarter Than a Dog

Gary Garver Interviews Norm MacDonald

Gary: "Is anal sex a part of your life?"

Norm: "Anal sex? Well it's a part of my life in the sense I fear it in every single waking moment. But, no I've never done it."

Gary: "What's your favorite curse word?"

Norm: "Cockfuck...I guess."

Gary: "Who's smarter a cockerspaniel or Britney Spears."

Norm: "Britney Spears would be way way smarter....than a dog?"

Mitch Hedberg's Lotto Estimate

"I saw a billboard that said estimated jackpot 55 million dollars. See, I didn't know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they were like, 'Ohhh we were off by two zeros. We estimate that you are angry."

All Balls Smell The Same

A conversation between Howard Stern and Amy Beckman the lesbian comedian.

Amy - "I hate the smell of balls."

Howard - "Do you think that balls smell, or just this guys balls smell?"

Amy - "They all smell."

Howard - "You've smelled a few balls?"

Amy - "Yeah, And they all smell the same."

Howard - "If I blindfold you, could you find balls in the room?

Amy - "Probably"

Howard - "You could? Alright. Well, that's impressive."

The Bat Cave

"The female orgasm is kinda like the bat cave. Very few people know where it is and if you're lucky enough to see it you probably don't know how you got there and you can't find your way back after you leave."

Jerry Seinfeld

Nick Swardson's Going To Be A Cool Grandfather

"There's gonna be no dignity left in old people by the time my generation gets old. Old people now are so sweet and nice. Like I can't swear around my grandma, even if I'm like 'Oh, that sucks.' My mom will be like, "Shhhh, don't say that, not around grandma. That's not what we say around grandma, you know that." I swear all the time. Thats how I'm gonna be when I'm old. My grandson's gonna be like...

"Hey grandpa, where goin' to the zoo, you wanna go to the zoo?"

"What the zoo? Fuck that. I'm not going to the fuckin' zoo. What are you gay?"

Roger Ebert's First Words

On The Oprah Show, a company in Scotland took hundreds of hours of Roger Ebert's past movie commentaries to allow him to speak in his own voice through a computer. Howard wished that he was able to hack into Roger's voice computer and create Roger's first word's to Oprah. Here's his take on what could have happened,

Oprah - "Roger, you're about to speak your first words in your own voice. What is it that you have to say to my audience?"

Roger takes out the keyboard. The whole world is anticipating wonderful things, something like, "Thank you Oprah for this wonderful opportunity." And Roger responds...

1. Oprah, you're a fat ass.

2. Oprah, I want your pussy.

3. Oprah, close your legs your vagina smells.

4. PU Oprah.

5. Oprah, what happened your ass is the size of an elephant?

6. Oprah, eat another steak you elephant.

7. Oprah if you want to lose weight your should have your jaw removed like me.

8. Oprah, no way Stedmond fucks you.

9. I bet Gail eats your pussy.

10. Oprah, you have a gunt,

11. I like piss videos Oprah

12. I like when men hold women down and force themselves upon them.

13. I like the fact that there are piss videos from Germany allowed into this country.

14. I'd like to piss on you Oprah.

15. Have you ever seen Schindler's Piss?

16. Suck my computerized cock Oprah.

17. Robin's ass hole can self lubricate, can yours?

18. Oprah, do you have thin or fat labias?

Dave Chappelle Smoke's Weed Exclusively With White People

DAVE CHAPPELLE

"I smoke weed exclusively with white people. Calm down motha fuckas you win by default. You got good weed conversation, All white people talk abut when they get high is...other times that they got high. I could listen to that shit all night. "Dude remember at Franks last week, I was fuckin' SMASHED man." And they catalogue what they drink. "I had 2 shots of Jaeger, Tequila, four bong hits man, beer, cheeseburger" That shit is great.

The only bad part is you cannot pass out around white people. Every time white dudes pass out around each other, they always do some borderline gay shit when the guy;s asleep. "Frank fell asleep so we like stuck a carrot in his ass and put shaving cream on his balls."

Quote of the Day "I hate gay people."

TIM HARDAWAY

"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known, I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."

"First of all, I wouldn't want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. And you know I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room. I wouldn't even be a part of that,"

Jerry's Doctor is the Best

"Every time someone recommends a doctor to you its always the best. It's always like, "Oh is he good? Oh he's the best. Guy is the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone is graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is somewhere someone saying to a friend, "Hey, you should see my doctor. He's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just a butcher, the man's a butcher." And then there's always that make sure you tell him that you know me. Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor? What is it like, " Oh you know Bob? Oh, okay I'll give you the real medicine."

Demotivational Poster

Over the years, a fellow blogger older brother collected every energy drink imaginable and constructed a wall of the empty cans in his bedroom. It's basically your run-of-the-mill energy drink bedroom wall display. . . until you realize, and everybody does, that there's no Red Bull. You'll immediately think, "Oh no, (chuckle) silly me I must have missed it, you can't have an energy drink collection without Red Bull, energy drinks would not exist without Red Bull." And you'll immediately be wrong because the artist behind this colossal waste of time, will not put a up a fuckin' can of Red Bull. Blatantly disregards Red Bull even exists. Refuses. I guess he's too against 'the man'. He's too hardcore for that mainstream bullshit. He's got Emily the Strange: Strange Brew and Mountain Dew Halo Fuel (both real) but Red Bull can shit in a hat, for all he cares.

Guy's got 50o fuckin' cans of energy drink and not one Red Bull. I defy you to look at it this wall without getting angry. But this brings me to the point; you can't have an energy drink collection and not include Red Bull just like you can't have a comedy blog and not include demotivational posters. F Jackie.

Quote of the Day: "Is the world flat? I don't know, I've never thought about it"

When I introduced the Quote of the Day portion of the website, it was inspired by Gary Coleman, after I heard it on the Howard Stern Show. After sleeping on it, I realized that I fucked up and should have opened with Sherri Sheperd explaining she doesn't know whether the moon is round or flat on The View. So, Im just going with back-to-back Quote of the Day's, it's not like anybody reads this shit anyway. Plus, it's not like I have to adhere to some bizarre Quote of the Day posting policy.

Yes this actually happened. Barbara Walters is fuckin genius here. In the sweetest, most condescending manner she explains to this moron that it is, in fact, possible to think about feeding her child AND whether the moon is flat or not. Stern fan by the way.

Whoopi: "Is the world flat?"
Sherri: "Is the world flat?" (repeating, audience laughs at absurdity of the question)
Whoopi: "Yes."
Sherri: "I don't know?"
Whoopi: "What do you think?" (perfect Whoopi, set her up, let her talk)
Sherri: "I never thought about it Whoopi. Is the World flat? I never thought about it.
Barbara Walters: "You never though about whether the world was round or flat?
Sherri: "I'll tell you what I have though about; How I;m going to feed my child."
Barbara: "Well, you can do both."

Quote of the Day: "I Hate Haiti"

Gary Coleman: "I have had a lot of pent up frustrations for a lot of different things, and ya know what? Dammit I am sick of hearing about Haiti. I hate Haiti. New Orleans and the South East haven't been repaired yet. Haiti is not part of America!

Moderator: "Gary over 200,000 people may have lost their lives in the last few weeks you don't think we should be covering that?

Gary Coleman: "You know what unless someone is gonna give us money to help New Orleans, why are we gonna take our money and give it to Haiti?

The Blind Leading The Blind: Another Actual Conversation between Sean and Dennis

Setting:

Sean and Dennis are exiting Seans early 90's white sex machine. Chick's see the bondo that patches the pieces of rotted out door together and suddenly we're each knee deep in pussy. Fortunately for us, were were in a Market Basket parking lot in Seabrook, New Hampshire, so the people see Swifty's Cavalier as a Bugatti Veyron, and consider us "rich folk." Meanwhile, the reason we were there was because we only had enough can's to cash for one pack of reds in New Hampshire, not Massachusetts. Both lugging white trash bags dripping month old diet coke towards the redemption center the following conversation occurred:

Dennis: "Gun to the head, if I had to give myself a motto, it'd be If It's Free It's Me."

Sean: "Oh yeah. Mine would be Spitters Are Quitters."

Great Moments in Live Television

I could only showcase the realest and most genuinely original comical material, so if I was going to do this thing right, I had to get a few things out of the way. Clearly, Earthquake giving up his kids to Michael Jackson in order to break the family chain of poverty, was the best way to kick this thing off and show the 3 people who read it we mean buisness.

Additionally, in 2010 the Great Arthur Lange stabbed himself thirteen times with a steak knife in a second failed attempt at suicide. I mean to have that relaxing release so close to your fingertips and then to have to get pulled back into hell for a second time, I bet he's really enjoying life right now. So, all you criticial pricks who don't listen to the show and have formed this opinion that I idolize Howard shows to the point that I can't find anyone else funnuy can suck one. Only the funniest of the funny is being offered at the Humor Authority and Artie defintately gets the nod for his Joe Buck Live Appearnce.

In the television industry Joe Buck is considered a consummate professional as well as one of the better play by play broadcasters networks have to offer. However, Joe also fancies himself someting of a comedian and felt like he'd be right at home with a budding SNL sketch actor, a established comedic movie actor and a jack guzzling, heroin snorting, angry stand up comedian who used to be a Long Shoreman. It was going to be edgy, informative and funny? So Paul Rudd, Jason Sudakis watched Artie relentlessly bust Buck's balls in what could have been the most vulgar dressing down he'd ever received in front of a full live tv audience, his children and his wife. What ensued was, in my opinion some of the greatest entertmrnt... shit... I've ever seen.
The best by far was the Buck's introduction of Artie after he had just recently mentioned his favorite website was TMZ...

Joe Buck: "Comedian Artie Lange."
Artie Lange: "Joe, your favorite website is TMZ huh? What's your second favorite? Suckingcock.com?"

Game over.
Lange went on to make several obscene and derogatory comments directed towards homosexuals and even to Joe Buck himself. At one point Ross Greenburg, HBO Sports President, said Lange "bordered on bad taste" with his "mean-spirited" tone. The incident made TIME's list of "Top 10 Awkward Moments of 2009".

Earthquake breaks the cycle of poverty

I don't know what we gonna do with Michael Jackson, this nigga just dont get it. (Crowd:00oooooohhhh) Oooohh my ass! I don't understand this? What's up with him and all these naps? This is the most sleepover nigga I have ever met in my goddamn life. Shouldn't you be workin on an album motha fucka? What's with all these sleep overs. These naps are costin ya! Find another way to have fun with the kids, take them to Chuckie Cheese or somethin but these naps are costin ya. He lost 20 million dollars over a misunderstanding. Shit, if I lost 20 cents, I wouldn't even hang with short people no more. He called me one day talkin' about, "Quake take your kids to Neverland." I said, "Nigga never. You should have called me five years ago my career's doin better now."

"Go on son, get in there and take one for the team. You want me and ya momma to be happy don't ya? Somebody's got to break this cycle of poverty! You've been chosen! I would go up there but he don't want old niggas."

Let Me Make This Clear

I can respect people going out and trying to make a living entertaining others. I know that what may be funny and genius to some is unbearable and idiotic to others. I can respect that. But don't think for a fucking second I will give in to the public perception that this man is funny.
I must admit that when the idea of making my first post about how Andy Samberg makes me want to claw my eyes out with a rusty flathead screwdriver, I have never watched one of his music videos in its entirety. So, I figured I do some research and maybe I would be proven wrong . Maybe I was judging a little too quickly. Maybe I was the only one missing out on the joke. Maybe I dont like jews.
So I took time out of my busy schedule of scraping my pipe, playing xbox360, and beating off to latest latina teen gag video on youjizz to watch some of the guy's work. Upon further review, I have come to a few conclusions.... I could only watch one video: "Like A Boss." I actually watched it twice just be sure that I didn't miss the punchline that sends this jerk-off into the Steve Martin and Richard Pryor stratosphere of comedy genius. That punchline never came. Meeting a fish and then fucking it. Fucking brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
The only joy I got from this video is when he puts the gun in his mouth. I just wish the prop guy put live ammo in the clip and Samberg didn't "pussy out."