Thursday, December 4, 2014
Panda's Are a Bunch of Cunts
Aren't Panda's a bunch of cunts. I'm done with Panda's and I'll tell you why. The Panda doesn't have a natural predator on this planet and they're dieing out because they're fuckin dicks. Fuck em! Let em die out! The Panda's don't fuck each other, therefore they don't have babies, therefore we got no fuckin Pandas. They're dead weight, let's lose the Pandas! We've tried! We have fuckin tried!!! We the human race have put Panda's in cages together to try and help them fuck. We go, "there's a Panda,...go fuck the Panda!" And they just look at each other. You put me in a cage with anything, ANYTHING and after a week I'll fuck it. Do you think Panda's are Chinese and are taking the one child policy to seriously? - Jim Jieffries
Jim Jeffries Breaks Down Heaven and Hell
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Zach Galifianakis' Non Profit Combinations
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
Button pushing with Louis C.K
But no, she says why did you do it which means I decided not to do it. Do you know how much more of an ass hole that makes me? That means I filled the dishwasher and went, "You know what? Fuck her. I ain't turnin it on. She can suck my dick if she thinks I'm pushing that button."
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Bitch Is That Plum and Red?
“Ladies, I’m telling you: “You gotta be the shit to you!” Stop waiting on a nigga to verify whether you the shit or not. Bitch, if you the shit, then you the motherfucking shit. We tired of y’all getting with us and blaming us for shit we ain’t even in control of. You done got with a nigga and now you talking about: “You fucked up my self-esteem.” Bitch, it’s called self-esteem. It’s the esteem of your motherfucking self, bitch. How the fuck can I mess up how you feel about you, simple bitch. I’m just saying ladies, stop tripping on shit that don’t even motherfucking matter. Never in the history of niggadom has a nigga been getting ready to have sex with a woman and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn’t match. Not never. Not never! Never has a nigga been putting on a condom and said: “Bitch, is that plum and red? I can’t even do it, bitch. I’m outta here."
Judging and Labeling People On Sesame Street
"Have you ever watched, like, a cartoon that you used to watch when you were little, as an adult? I was sittin' there with my nephew. I turned it on Sesame Street. And I was, like, "Oh, good. Sesame Street. Now he'll learn how to count and spell." But now I'm watching it as an adult and I realize that Sesame Street teaches kids other things. It teaches kids how to judge people and label people. That's right. They got this one character named Oscar. They treat this guy like shit the entire show. They judge him right to his face. "Oscar, you are so mean. Isn't he, kids?" "Yeah. Oscar, you're a grouch!" He's, like, "Bitch, I live in a fucking trash can! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street."
Mitch Hedberg's Donut Conundrum
Monday, March 29, 2010
Zach Galifianakis
Thursday, March 25, 2010
When World's Collide
Tumors
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Somebody Get South Africa and The Iraq Some Goddam Maps
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Even On Life Support, Elin is Fuckable
Monday, March 22, 2010
Artie's a Bed Shitting, Coke Snorting Pigman
Friday, March 19, 2010
What Ever Happened To crazy?
So, I'm gettin in the elevator at my hotel, and these two high school white boys get on with me and I just dove off. Im sayin, 'Y'all aint killin' me.' I am scared of young, white boys. If you white and under 21, I am heading for the hills. What is wrong with these white kids shootin' up the school? They don't even wait till' three oclock either, killin people in the mornin' that ain't right, The Trenchcoat Mafia. "No one would play with us, we had no friends in the Trenchcoat Mafia". Shit, I saw the yearbook picture, there was six of them. I didn't have six friends in highs school...I don't got six friends now! Shit, that's 3 on 3 with a half court. What hell is wrong with these kids? I got people tellin' me, "C'mon Chris, come up to the schools, talk to the kids." I'm like, "Fuck the kids. Do you got a vest? Maybe I'll think about it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Howard Retires Teddy K
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Righteous Futility
"Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established."
Facebook Bans The Authority For "Objectionable Material"
Monday, March 15, 2010
Zach Galifianakis Looks Like Fat Jesus
Norm Says Britney's Smarter Than a Dog

Saturday, March 13, 2010
Mitch Hedberg's Lotto Estimate
All Balls Smell The Same

Howard - "Do you think that balls smell, or just this guys balls smell?"
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Bat Cave
Nick Swardson's Going To Be A Cool Grandfather

Roger Ebert's First Words

Monday, March 8, 2010
Dave Chappelle Smoke's Weed Exclusively With White People

Quote of the Day "I hate gay people."

TIM HARDAWAY
"You know, I hate gay people, so I let it be known, I don't like gay people and I don't like to be around gay people. I am homophobic. I don't like it. It shouldn't be in the world or in the United States."
"First of all, I wouldn't want him on my team. And second of all, if he was on my team, I would, you know, really distance myself from him because, uh, I don't think that's right. And you know I don't think he should be in the locker room while we're in the locker room. I wouldn't even be a part of that,"
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Jerry's Doctor is the Best

"Every time someone recommends a doctor to you its always the best. It's always like, "Oh is he good? Oh he's the best. Guy is the best." They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone is graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors? Is somewhere someone saying to a friend, "Hey, you should see my doctor. He's the worst. Oh yeah, he's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just a butcher, the man's a butcher." And then there's always that make sure you tell him that you know me. Why? What's the difference? He's a doctor? What is it like, " Oh you know Bob? Oh, okay I'll give you the real medicine."
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Demotivational Poster






Quote of the Day: "Is the world flat? I don't know, I've never thought about it"

When I introduced the Quote of the Day portion of the website, it was inspired by Gary Coleman, after I heard it on the Howard Stern Show. After sleeping on it, I realized that I fucked up and should have opened with Sherri Sheperd explaining she doesn't know whether the moon is round or flat on The View. So, Im just going with back-to-back Quote of the Day's, it's not like anybody reads this shit anyway. Plus, it's not like I have to adhere to some bizarre Quote of the Day posting policy.
Yes this actually happened. Barbara Walters is fuckin genius here. In the sweetest, most condescending manner she explains to this moron that it is, in fact, possible to think about feeding her child AND whether the moon is flat or not. Stern fan by the way.
Sherri: "Is the world flat?" (repeating, audience laughs at absurdity of the question)
Whoopi: "Yes."
Sherri: "I don't know?"
Whoopi: "What do you think?" (perfect Whoopi, set her up, let her talk)
Sherri: "I never thought about it Whoopi. Is the World flat? I never thought about it.
Barbara Walters: "You never though about whether the world was round or flat?
Sherri: "I'll tell you what I have though about; How I;m going to feed my child."
Barbara: "Well, you can do both."
Friday, March 5, 2010
Quote of the Day: "I Hate Haiti"

Thursday, March 4, 2010
The Blind Leading The Blind: Another Actual Conversation between Sean and Dennis

Dennis: "Gun to the head, if I had to give myself a motto, it'd be If It's Free It's Me."

Sean: "Oh yeah. Mine would be Spitters Are Quitters."
Great Moments in Live Television

I could only showcase the realest and most genuinely original comical material, so if I was going to do this thing right, I had to get a few things out of the way. Clearly, Earthquake giving up his kids to Michael Jackson in order to break the family chain of poverty, was the best way to kick this thing off and show the 3 people who read it we mean buisness.
Additionally, in 2010 the Great Arthur Lange stabbed himself thirteen times with a steak knife in a second failed attempt at suicide. I mean to have that relaxing release so close to your fingertips and then to have to get pulled back into hell for a second time, I bet he's really enjoying life right now. So, all you criticial pricks who don't listen to the show and have formed this opinion that I idolize Howard shows to the point that I can't find anyone else funnuy can suck one. Only the funniest of the funny is being offered at the Humor Authority and Artie defintately gets the nod for his Joe Buck Live Appearnce.
In the television industry Joe Buck is considered a consummate professional as well as one of the better play by play broadcasters networks have to offer. However, Joe also fancies himself someting of a comedian and felt like he'd be right at home with a budding SNL sketch actor, a established comedic movie actor and a jack guzzling, heroin snorting, angry stand up comedian who used to be a Long Shoreman. It was going to be edgy, informative and funny? So Paul Rudd, Jason Sudakis watched Artie relentlessly bust Buck's balls in what could have been the most vulgar dressing down he'd ever received in front of a full live tv audience, his children and his wife. What ensued was, in my opinion some of the greatest entertmrnt... shit... I've ever seen.
The best by far was the Buck's introduction of Artie after he had just recently mentioned his favorite website was TMZ...
Joe Buck: "Comedian Artie Lange."
Artie Lange: "Joe, your favorite website is TMZ huh? What's your second favorite? Suckingcock.com?"
Game over.
Lange went on to make several obscene and derogatory comments directed towards homosexuals and even to Joe Buck himself. At one point Ross Greenburg, HBO Sports President, said Lange "bordered on bad taste" with his "mean-spirited" tone. The incident made TIME's list of "Top 10 Awkward Moments of 2009".
Earthquake breaks the cycle of poverty

Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Let Me Make This Clear
I must admit that when the idea of making my first post about how Andy Samberg makes me want to claw my eyes out with a rusty flathead screwdriver, I have never watched one of his music videos in its entirety. So, I figured I do some research and maybe I would be proven wrong . Maybe I was judging a little too quickly. Maybe I was the only one missing out on the joke. Maybe I dont like jews.
So I took time out of my busy schedule of scraping my pipe, playing xbox360, and beating off to latest latina teen gag video on youjizz to watch some of the guy's work. Upon further review, I have come to a few conclusions.... I could only watch one video: "Like A Boss." I actually watched it twice just be sure that I didn't miss the punchline that sends this jerk-off into the Steve Martin and Richard Pryor stratosphere of comedy genius. That punchline never came. Meeting a fish and then fucking it. Fucking brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?
The only joy I got from this video is when he puts the gun in his mouth. I just wish the prop guy put live ammo in the clip and Samberg didn't "pussy out."
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
State of The Union
Welcome to the Humor Authority, today's leader in securing the integrity of the general public's sense of humor. Our mission is to hold citizens to an unparalleled comedic standard. Members of the authority make every effort to identify, address and resolve the root causes of failed attempts at humor. Officers are expected to use excessive force along with age-old questionable military tactics to do whatever is necessary to reduce humorless occurrences. Those who insist on continuing to attempt to be funny without sucess will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. Repeat offenders operating under the guise that they are indeed funny along with those who enable this behavior will be apprehended, critiqued, ridiculed and relentlessly ragged on for an undisclosed amount of time. We know you think Betsy from the nail salon is hilarious. It is our mission to inform you that Betsy is an unfunny cunt who only get laughs from middle aged women who think Jerry Lewis is edgy. The time for fake laughing at your dentists horrible impression of Chris Rock's, "I'm not sayin he shoulda killed her, but I understand" bit is over. The time to tell that cocky heeb Ishmael that the cute secretary only laughs at his hack bullshit because all his coworkers are pretending to spin dradles and fry up latkes behind his back is here. Instead of walking away with a sense of regret, the Authority fully protects your right to tell him he is gay and faggot and his people were the cause of all the major wars of the world. The Authority has and will continue to use whatever means necessary to improve the public's sense of humor. Thank you
Chief of Police
Dennis Johnson